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Right Fighters: PART 1 - Why Your Need To Be Right Hurts Your Relationship • 4 Better 4 Ever

Blog updated: December 21, 2021

Right Fighters: PART 1 – Why Your Need To Be Right Hurts Your Relationship

by | Feb 8, 2018 | Marriage, Mindset, Relationships

Photo Credit:Ann Visser 

This blog post is the first in a series called “Right Fighters,” where you’ll learn how the need to be right hurts your relationships and how you can change your focus from being right to connecting more deeply. Read part 2 and part 3.

Are You A Right Fighter?

Were you one of those know-it-all kids in school… so that if no one else knew the answer the teacher would look at you and ask:

“Do you know the answer?” 

And without fail… you almost always knew.

If you’re being honest, didn’t it feel kinda good to be the one who had the answers? To hear so often… “That’s right, Jamie!”

We were so often rewarded in school for having the “right” answer”.

But what about the other 30 kids in your class?

If you were right most of the time, then it means that most of the time they were “wrong”.

1 winner and 30 losers.

Ouch!

Still, it’s not too big of a deal in the classroom because many of us expect that in school. However, when that kind of attitude transfers from the classroom to relationships, the bruises from “losing” all the time hurt more.

A lot more.

I call these people “right fighters”. 

What Is A Right Fighter?

You know who I’m talking about. They’re right all the time and they let you know it.

Like in Jurassic Park when Dr. Ian Malcolm says to Dr. Alan Grant after the T-Rex breaks out: 

“Boy, do I hate being right all the time!”

And they never lose a fight. Ever.

Regardless of the cost.  

But in a marriage or relationship, sometimes it’s better to be wrong and choose connection over being right.

 

Photo Credit:Ann Visser 

Sometimes It’s Better To Be Wrong Than Right

When we’re fixated on being right, it can signal that we’re harbouring insecurities. So we smile and stroke our egos each time we’re right to cover up feeling insecure.

Other downsides to being a right fighter are that we can be…

  • Critical of other people because we’re focused on correcting them instead of connecting with them
  • Fearful of exploring because this could take us into new territories where we don’t “know” everything
  • Afraid of being curious because we don’t want to ask a question that we don’t know the answer to (then people would know we don’t actually have all the answers… gasp!)

If someone is a right fighter, then it means that one person must be right and the other person must be wrong.

Again, a winner and a loser.

Because for the right fighter, being wrong feels like settling for second best.

The winner is trying to hold power over the other to stay in the winner’s circle. So this often means that the right fighter will eventually stop asking questions because they care more about being right than being curious.

And that hurts relationships.

Caring curiousity is one of the secrets to creating a powerful connection with your partner.

Are Circumstances Creating Emotional Distance In Your Marriage?

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Choose Connection Over Winning

Being a right fighter creates disconnection and prevents us from having an open and transparent relationship with our spouse as they’re afraid that we’ll use their vulnerability against them.

When we choose to be right at all costs, we’re choosing winning over connection and that’s a competitive marriage.

On the other hand, a cooperative marriage is a complete opposite. It requires us to…

  • Think
  • Have curious questions
  • Get out of our own shoes and into our partner’s
  • Truly know our partner’s heart
  • Be curious about what they need and want

Ultimately, creating a cooperative marriage means sometimes choosing all of these things – connection – over the need to be right.

In part 2, we look at what the opposite of a right fighter is. Click here to read Part 2 now.

Community for couples. Positivity. Encouragement.

If you’re looking for support to create a happier marriage in a community for Christian couples, check out my free group. 

Do you like to win or is connection more important to you? Share your thoughts in the comments below! We love to hear from you.

About Ann

Ann believes that every Christian marriage will face circumstances that will create emotional space causing the wife to feel lonely, scared and unhappy. But the good news is that when couples have already experienced a loving and supportive relationship, then they can get back to that… 

More About Ann

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Ann Visser

 

Mindset & Relationship Coach

ann@4better4ever.com

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